Exhausted

I am exhausted. Strangely yesterday I felt great, the aches in my arms was barely noticeable, I had amazing energy all day and normally I nap for a couple of hours during the day, but the last couple of days I haven't felt the need to nap. I even spent an hour on the treadmill at a gentle pace nothing too strenuous but I still managed a sweat.

I knew that this morning would be difficult getting up for a 6am swim, especially due to the past two days of rain we have had so was not looking forward to getting into the cold pool. It was a chilly 22 degrees this morning (how sad am I?), so as per usual I had to dive in as I am not a toe in at a time person, that just puts me right off.

I only managed 10 laps today. It was really hard going, I took my time and took lots of long breaks in between which I used to stretch out my body which is really feeling it today. Only one week of dieting and exercising and I am wasted. I'm hoping things get better because today I am feeling really nauseous after swimming. I'm wondering if I am taking in too much pool water?

Have noticed that I am eating less too. I can no longer stomach 3 steaks and 3 fried eggs, I'm now down to 1 steak and 2 eggs. So hopefully the weight will start coming down. My standard diet is:-
Breakfast
3 egg omlete beaten up with a little water. Fried in a pan with butter. I then sprinkle in 2 thinly sliced mushrooms, a handful of shredded chicken, a handful of grated cheese and a sprinkling of chopped onions. I do enjoy breakfast.
Lunch
Either a seared chicken classic salad from Macca's or I'll make a chicken, gourmet lettuce, cuccumber and onions wrapped in a large lettuce leaf and I'll eat probably 2 of those. But the Macca's salad is really filling.
Dinner
Large cuts of steak or port cooked in butter and garlic with 3 fried eggs which I am now reducing my meats, and now only having 2 eggs.

I am maintaining my weight which is depressing because those first couple of days I noticed the weight coming down each morning as I weighed my self. So I am feeling confident now that I can reduce the amount I am eating because I am feeling fuller sooner and I am not picking or snacking in between meals which is something that I normally did, but I don't have that craving.

Late at nights are the hard yards for me. That's when I get that sugar crave come on and last night it was the worst it has been. I could smell chocolate even though there is none in the house. I was getting really cranky and annoyed and so I started yelling and it gave the boys a fright till I told them why I was yelling and wanted to hit something as I pounded my fists into the arm rests of the lazy boy I was sitting in. I was trying to keep my mind occupied by watching a funny movie and doing up a newsletter at the same time. Yet still my mind smelt, heard or saw chocolate wherever I looked!!!! Arrrgggghhhhhhh.

Tired now, want to spend the day sleeping. Will go to the video shop, get out the new releases and just relax because next week is weigh in and I am going to have to put in some serious workout sessions and get on top of this eating.

Day 2 of swimming

I was feeling really confident with getting up early and going swimming. However, when I got up this morning at 5.50 I started to feel anxious and dreaded going for a swim remembering how on Monday I felt nauseous all day and drained, so I wasn't looking forward to another day of that. So reluctantly I got myself ready, the fact that my Jamieboy was up and ready helped me to get into a better frame of mind.

14 laps! I did one more than Monday, I swallowed less pool water and I managed to get them done in a quicker time frame. Mind you, I was feeling it in my upper arms though and all down my side which did make it a little more difficult, but I powered through. It was nice to have a stop every now and then and have a chat with Julie which helped me to rest. Our boys, Tristan and Jamieboy did around 16 - 18 laps as they played quietly and raced each other, every now and then trialing a new stroke.

After a hot shower I was still feeling nauseous, so put on bacon and eggs to help get rid of the sick feeling and surprisingly I struggled to finish my 3 rashers of bacon and my 3 fried eggs? Normally I can smash that and more, especially with the copious amounts of meat and eggs I have been eating, yet I am finding that I am eating less, smaller portions. Mind you I am drinking around one litre of water with each meal too so that might be a reason?

Anywho, feeling much better after todays swimming session so hoping that Friday's will be just that bit easier.

Trucking On

I am seeing the change in my husband's body but not mine. He is shedding kilos by the day and I am barely getting there. Was able to stick to my diet, even tonight after mutual we did our usual stop off for dinner at Maccas and I ordered a salad with seared chicken (I prefer the crispy) and a large water. I was pleasantly surprised at how tasty and filling my salad was. I was even surprised at how satisfying my water was. I wasn't happy as I entered and had to walk past the cafe where normall I'd order the warm double chocolate cake where they would then pop it in the microwave for 30 seconds and depending if it's hot or cold I'd get the hot or iced chocolate to go with it. THAT was hard, but once chowing down on my salad and filling that hunger pain those cravings and bad feelings faded and I was very happy and satisfied as I walked out. Mind you, I did have to keep my focus fixed as all the posters with the sundaes, frozen cokes all the sweet stuff, that's what was difficult. I'm good with all the fries and that as I haven't had them in months anyway due to their Chicken wraps being really filling, its the sweet things that get to me. So getting there. No more shakes (that's the physical shaking) and sugar cravings are getting less, no severe outbursts due to not being able to have my sweets and treats. But we'll see how it all pans out. Wish me luck.

Day 4

Day four of my high protein no carbs and I am going stir crazy. My mood swings and are making me dizzy. Irritable, uptight, and always craving that sugar hit something chronic. So struggling through and to get my mind back on track I test my ketone levels to see if I am in fat burning mode, as I watch that tiny strip turn darker pink I get a sense of self satisfaction and feel motivated to continue along this path.

I remember last time I did the Atkins program it took a good two weeks before I was fully detoxed from all the rubbish, but I remember feeling a lot clearer in the mind once I was and there was no temptation or desire left for the sweet sugary milkshakes or soft drinks that I so love.

Went swimming 6am with Julie & Thomas Gosney. We will swim every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. My goal was 3 laps and I did 13, but now I am exhausted, every thing hurts and I feel like throwing up. I think I swallowed too much pool water. I was trying to keep up with Julie and I think I over did it, so I hope by Wednesday I am feeling better or recovered otherwise these are sessions that I am not going to be looking foward to. I am happy that I did do it as that hurdle is now over, I keep thinking it is going to be harder than it is so I was really surprised to see that I could do more than three laps, even happier knowing that I did 13!

And so it begins

As the name of my blog implies although not forty, or fit, or even fabulous, these are all what I hope and plan to be in two years time. I am giving myself two years to lose weight and be in a good position to start the rest of my life. So........ My statistics are as follows:-

1. Age: 37 (38 this year on the 8th of Dec)
2. Height: 172cm
3. Starting Weight: 108.7kg
4. Dress Size: 20

Ideally I'd like to be 68kg or a comfortable size 12-14.

I started a 8 week weightloss challenge with some close friends, my husband, my sister Kimi and her husband. We had our first weigh in after two weeks and we all lost. So as of last night my new weight is 107.4kg. So a good start to the challenge considering I did no dieting or exercising the entire fortnight. Mind you, the first week I was hectic busy, up every morning at 5.30am and on my feet all day till I hit the bed 11 or 12 at night. And I noticed in the business and chaos of the day I ate only when necessary and I noted that I ate well rather than the usual junk I eat. So that week put me in a good position to start the challenge.

However, now that we have had our first fortnightly weigh in it has made me more aware of how much I have to do to get a lower figure next weigh in. So yesterday before weigh in the husband and I decided to start on the Atkins diet which we did successfully in New Zealand around 8 years ago. During that time my husband shed nearly 30 kilos and I dropped 2 dress sizes going from a size 20 to 16. So we both felt comfortable and confident in that program. So after having steak and eggs for breakfast lunch and tea yesterday I was so over it.

So today I woke up and made a wonderful tuna, onion and boiled egg mix and wrapped it in lettuce and ate them like wraps, they were yum, fresh and light unlike the heavy 4 massive steaks and four fried eggs that I had eaten just before going to bed. And the surprising thing was when I weighed myself this morning I weighed 106.4kg? Go figure? My boys grizzled for milkshakes and the husband couldn't work the blender, so begrudgingly I get up and show them all how to make them and I was so not happy. I could smell the ice cream, the chocolate topping smelt delicious, and I couldn't have any of it so I was not happy. I started getting grumpy with every one and every thing my husband said or did irritated me to no end so I had to get out of there. So off for some retail therapy. Off to the shops to buy something I can eat which resulted in me buying some comfort food which I had to come home and prepare which was surprising very therapeutic. So when I finally got to sit down and eat my creation it was all the more sweeter. So many wonderful sensations running through my mouth as I take another mouthful of prawns sauteed in copious amounts of butter with ample crushed garlic. And to ensure I don't get bloated and feeling heavy I have added fress brocoli, shedded sugarloaf cabbage, red capsicum and plenty of mushrooms. The vegetables are still crunchy and I get that hard hitting flavour of garlic in every bite. I'm surprised by the strong creamy flavour of the Australian Bay green prawns that I have just brought from Bi Lo for $14 / kilo as they are soft and full of flavour which hasn't happened for me in a long time, so a good score there. Nothing beats comfort eating at a time like this.

So why the desire to lose weight? So many reasons, the obvious, I have arthritis in the back which is very debilitating and will only get worse. I am outgrowing my size 20 clothes. I am unfit and can't participate in fun things that I like to do for example when we go to Brisbane we have theme park passes and I don't go on the rides (which I love) because I am afraid I wont fit in the seats or the safety harnesses, and that goes for plane seats etc, not a good feeling when I'm pressed hard up against the person next to me. I could go on, and on, and on. So you get the idea.

Why blog about it? I am aware that I have an eating disorder, I am also aware that unless I address this, no amount of weight loss is going to solve it, as has happened in the past I have piled the weight back on. So through blogging about it I feel I might be able to reflect and gain some self awareness as I go along this trial. I'm hoping to find some self truths and take away a lot of the shame and guilt I feel due to my weight and size. I also need something to keep my mind busy and off the fact that I want to eat everything and anything I can get my hands on.

So, I am hopeful, I am motivated and I am unsure and scared all at the same time. I have no discipline and therefore, making a record and making it public might give me the motivation I need.